Tick…. tick…. tick…. the little analog clock on the dashboard continued pounding out its obnoxiously loud reminders at me.
‘Time is ending….. time is about to start…. time is counting down… my entire life is about to change, and I have no way of stopping it. It’s all about the timing, you see. It is an inevitable disaster approaching me. Fuck. Hell. Fuck and hell. Fuck, hell and damnit. Why can’t I just turn this stupid van around and make this all stop???’
These are the crazy thoughts I was having, as I roared down the dark freeway toward the Florida border in my Volkswagen van three weeks ago. It was three in the morning, and I was racing against time to get my van back into Florida and to the small Atlantic coastal town of Port Problem.
I had a lot on my mind. How couldn’t I?
The Aquarius was starting it again- the stalling out. I watched the needle fall from 70 to 55, as the entire van began shaking due to the engine shitting out, misfiring, coughing, and slowly grabbing back a hold of itself. Was I really going to get back to Port Problem? The van had made it thousands of miles, and four break-downs so far. This upcoming one, however, seemed a bit bigger than the rest.
Then, of course, came the money issue- which is the harsh fact that I just didn’t have any. Driving around the entire U.S. in two months had drained my sad little checking account dry. How was I to live with no money when I returned home?
Next in my mental line of issues, was my friend Robin. Time was moving in upon our friendship, dooming us to just a few days before her departure from my life. Would she be all right? Would she like her new home in Virginia? Who would look after her?
But perhaps the biggest mind-teaser of all, was words Robin had said to me, just a month or two prior to this night. “Make it a promise, Matty. Before you enter Florida, you MUST call your parents and tell them.. That way, you’ll be done with your trip, and you can start up your life with no more secrets. Make it a rule! No entering Florida without that phone call!”
So now I sat wide-eyed, deliriously tired and overly stressed, watching the second hand tick excitedly around the clock, counting down the minutes until I was to make a life-changing phone call to North Dakota.
Please understand… I’m not crazy. Really! I swear! But that night, I was determined to keep this promise to Robin, and more importantly to myself and my parents. It had to be right then, and right there, no questions asked. A promise kept.
As I steered my van over into an exit off I-10, I was remembering- remembering the last year and a half when I was finally getting along with my parents, and come to know them as friends. As I pulled into and parked in the lot of a tacky, neon-signed gas station, I was contemplating- contemplating how many months it would take them to get over this news. And as I was walking around that gas station to an unlit forested area in the back and pulling out my phone, I was hoping- hoping someday they would forgive me for what I was about to do.
Upon opening my phone, I saw the time. It was almost four a.m.
“What are you thinking?” I saw aloud to myself. “You can’t call them now. You can’t just wake them up to talk this late. That’s nuts.”
In hindsight, mind you…. I fully realize now calling them directly at 4 in the morning would’ve been a better idea than what I instead decided to do.
“Hmmm…” my worn out mind decided. “I’ll just call and leave a message for them…. Oh, damnit, I can’t call their mobile phones. That might wake them up as well…. Fuck…. Oh, I know…. I could call mom’s work, and leave her a voice message there.”
Again, I tell you… knowing what I know now…. I completely understand that this was a very stupid thing for me to do. Downright dumb. Reckless. Inexcusable.
My mother’s voice came over my mobile, announcing that she’s away from her desk. I waited for the beep, and then started talking- telling her the secret- which would see me stress-eating a bag of chips, a sandwich, and two ice cream push-ups in less than 15 minutes.
“Yeah.. hi, mom. It’s me, Matty. Listen, I just wanted to tell you and dad that I made it to Florida all right. Hopefully I’ll make it to Port Problems before the van breaks down. It’s really acting up. It’s uh… bad. And hey, I guess I have another reason to call you and stuff…. see I, uh…. tried to talk to you and dad about it when I was home this summer…. and uh…. I couldn’t talk about it and uh….yeah, so Robin and I had this thing, right? A promise. I promised myself I wouldn’t enter Florida unless I told you. And uh… well…. here goes…. well, I’m you know…. GAY and um… I just thought you should know. Well, I mean, my sisters know… well, most of them, and my coworkers know… and you know, everyone’s cool with it and I was thinking my parents really should know and stuff… so I guess I’m sorry for not telling you about it earlier but-“
“BEEP! You have fifteen seconds remaining.” Fuck.
“Oh, uh… I have fifteen seconds remaining. Listen, I don’t mind if you take your time before calling me again and tell dad-or-I-will-tell-dad-or-whatever-just-let-me-know-and-stuff-and”
“BEEP!” it cut me off.
I stood for quite some time, staring at my phone. Did I really just do that? Is it really over? I’m done? Am I out? I did the only thing I could do- started giggling nervously.
As I slowly walked into the gas station to start buying my post-outing-myself-stress-relief food, it dawned on me---- a horrible fact.
I just left a ticking bomb on my own mother’s voice mail at work. She will come in ready to work tomorrow morning, and be greeted with the fact that her son is gay.
Oh my God.
That’s really not a good start to her day.
I went numb.
I continued to feel this numbness as I climbed back into the van to eat.
Tick... tick… tick… tick… tick… the noisy attention-seeking dashboard clock reminded me of what was now inevitable. Tick tick tick tick tick tick-tick-tick-tick-tick!!
And I sat… chewing like a dumb cow… wide eyed, staring up at the taunting clock, not knowing what else to do but let out a nervous giggle every now and then. It was perhaps then that I had the most intelligent thought of the night-
‘Not good, Matty… definitely not good’
