Ode to the P.E. coach

If I were straight, the world would be great;
I'd get me a girl with whom I'd procreate;
I'd do manly things, I'd talk manly talk;
I wouldn't any longer enjoy watching other men walk;
I'd talk about baseball, I'd watch football each Sunday;
I'd drive my 5 kids to their games in a Hyundai;
I'd drink me a beer, I'd belch out a concert;
Crush the can on my head and pretend it don't hurt;
I'd slap my buddies high fives and buy them some shooters;
We'd lie about fishing, we'd eat at a Hooters;
In the art of barbeques I'd be quite conceptual;
I'd be your steak-burning, stomach churning, model heterosexual;
I'd rev my engine too loud, I'd tell stories of my old cars;
I'd lie about my dick size, I'll play pool in the bars;
Yes, my life would be different, maybe it's not too late;
Could I? Would I? Should I perhaps become straight??

I Spy

on an unexpected friend.


Homebody Hannah walks into R. Nixon Elementary School every day, carrying with her a burden- she does not like her new school.
Ever since she moved to Florida from New York this summer with her family, it has been one surprise after another- each one proving that the move was not all that she expected. Her school is a little more "data-driven" than she's used to, and the parents of this school are a little too involved for her taste (meaning they can be pains in the ass).
Homebody Hannah also tells me that she's very astounded that the people are not all quite what she expected either. The men she's met in the bars of Port Prozac have been a little... well.... let's say "unevolved." You see, Hannah chooses her words wisely. She doesn't like to talk bad about others.
Hannah's not quite sure of the reasons, but she hasn't gotten as much time to lay on the beach as she'd like (whether it's school related or not). She would like more time to focus on herself, but finds that her time runs out quickly each day, as she likes to be in bed at 9:00.

Every day I watch Hannah from across the hall, teaching patiently, organizing meticulously, and planning carefully all day long.
When I first met her, I wasn't sure we'd be friends, but as life likes to show us- sometimes there are surprises. You see, for some reason Hannah and I are very good friends, and continue to enjoy our extreme differences in personalities.

I believe that these sorts of friends are important- as no one else but them can quite push us to our limits and let us explore different ideas and thoughts through them.
Which is why I compiled this list of things I would like to do with Hannah someday, just to see her do it (and laugh).

Things I'd like to do with Homebody Hannah

1. Make prank phone calls to Mr. Collins, as he would never suspect Hannah of doing such a thing.
2. Wrestle her.
3. Throw her fully clothed into a swimming pool, and then jump in after her.
4. I would to talk dirty to Hannah in a crowded elevator, and she will not speak in English back, but rather make various animal noises showing her willingness to comply with my requests.
5. Attend a speed dating session with Hannah, and both of us would use our 5 minute increments with all the "dates" to explain to these "dates" why they probably do not deserve to be dated. Then leave with each other, clearly content and pretending we'd found love with one another.
6. Go rollerblading with Hannah.
7. Rent 4 porns... watch, drink, and take detailed notes.
8. Make a sand castle... and let Hannah destroy it in a wild fashion.
9. I would like to see Hannah flash the Disney cruise ships coming out of Port Prozac on Sunday night. I not only support this behavior- but would also enjoy flashing the Disney cruise ship. I'd imagine there'd be quite a racket following it, as soccer moms would be screaming, covering all children's eyes on all 4 decks. Things could get loud- they pack that ship full!!!
10. Take Hannah into the large sex store about a mile away from me. I keep a tally of how many times she's murmur her favorite line to murmur--- "Oh dear."

Various Plans and Vacant Apartments

Last night as I slept,

police cars flooded the streets
doors were knocked on, forced down, and broken through
there were shouts, yells, and screams of innocence.

In all, 29 people were all arrested in one of Port Prozac's city-wide arrests of a giant Crack-smuggling and selling ring... leaving the sleepy beach town even sleepier today (yet more coherent, I suppose).

As I heard of the night's spectacular events, I too was astounded by how many were arrested in such a small town.

I arrived back home after running my daily errands after work, to find a blue sign on my doorknob. It was from Beachside Village's management offices.

This is what it read-

"In need of some money?
We're handing out money!!!
LOTS OF MONEY!!!

Refer a friend to live at Beachside Village and receive
$50.00
off your
next month's rent!"


Hmmmm... seems as if I have some vacant apartments in the buildings around me due to last night's arrests.
Note to self- new husband must live in nicer neighborhood than I do.


Tomorrow's agenda-
Help Shelley and John move the last of Shelley's things into Whorelando.
Go to Mr. Corry's wife's memorial service (a teacher from last year at R. Nixon.... we're the last family he has left... I met his terminally ill wife last year at a bookstore)
Drive to Whorelando to meet husband prospect for date.

Hmmmm... if I have any spare time, I'll ask around to see if anyone would like to be my new neighbor.... I could use 50 spare dollars, I suppose.

Persistence

A great man, Samuel Smiles, once said "They who are the most persistent, and work in the true spirit, will invariably be the most successful."

As I am sure that this inspiring quote has much truth to it, I can't help but feel sometimes as if my own perseverance of my goals is absolutely worthless.
Why's that?

Let me tell you about my week.
First of all, there is the usual work. As any teacher can tell you, being persistent is a never-ending job with students. Every day, I remind Mouse 5 times a day not to yell over me while I'm addressing the class. Every day, I have a talk with either Snobby Sarah or Sneaky Susan about how to get along with other girls. Every day, I remind Know-it-all to use the restroom, Happy Hannah to sit in her seat, and Distractable Dannie to mind her own her... PLEASE.
This week's work is extra special, as the third grade play is tomorrow. For the last week, I have been persistent in answering phone calls, responding to emails, and writing notes home to parents in agendas about costumes. However, as of yesterday not many parents seemed to really have any costumes ready. Rather than be creative and create costumes, they opted to wait until the last minute and call up the principal's office to complain about problems they were having finding any costumes.
The icing on the cake is how persistently I've tried to communicate with an impossible-to-get-along-with parent. Yet still she insists I am a terrible teacher, although her son has had amazing learning gains this year. According to other parents (who obviously trust me more than her), she is infamous for talking behind my back. I meet with her and Mr. Collins on Friday to discuss the latest "problems" she sure are going on in my classroom.

In my own personal life, I have been persistent with a number of different things.
I continue to strive to find a husband by May. This summer, I had no problem meeting tons of excellent, dependable, good looking men. The minute I arrived back into Florida, the problems I had last year all began again. I am proud to announce that the men of Port Prozac (and Whorelando) are: perverts, sex-maniacs, Disneyworld workers, artificial, unintelligent, antisocial, queens, drug addicts, or emotional hijackers.
I persevere with my organizational problems (which I'm supposed to be taking care of during this detoxing cleanse of mine). Everything is all over the place (my apartment looks like an atom bomb testing site), and I'm not making any leeway on ANYTHING.
I am persistently trying to make my life a little less complicated- such as installing a water filter to the end of my faucet to eliminate the moldy Brita pitcher I never fill in the fridge. Imagine me Sunday night, screwing it onto the faucet, only to break the end of the faucet, making it un-useable. Now imagine me Monday night, installing my new faucet myself, only to create a crazy leak (that could not be stopped) in the old faucet. Now cut to me realizing that the only way to stop the leak is to get the new faucet on- which is impossible to do from underneath the sink due to angle of nuts. The solution? Picture me swinging a FUCKING HAMMMER wildly, smashing apart the old faucet. There are pieces of metal, plastic, and rubber rings flying to and fro, bouncing off the fridge, hitting dishes, and sliding across the linoleum. And after all this was accomplished and the new faucet was on- a leak from underneath at the rusty old cranky-knob thingy. There is nothing to do- the knob needs to be replaced by a plumber. So now my kitchen is a mess, waiting for plumber to come when I have the time to let him in.

Last, I persist with my health regimen. In a perfect world, after I complete my detox, I will never ingest anything harmful in my body again. However, a more realistic person would say that it will probably last about a month until I'm holiday binge-drinking, coffee drinking, waking up at night with the urge to eat entire contents of fridge, and being tempted with various unhealthy things by unhealthy people (and enjoying all of these temptations to an unhealthy degree).

Yes, I persist every day to reach my goals. It just seems as of lately, that I've been getting no where with any of them. Yet I will continue to move forward, hoping to reach them someday soon.

A great man, Samuel Smiles, once said "They who are the most persistent, and work in the true spirit, will invariably be the most successful."
I hope you're right, Mr. Smiles..... I hope you're right.

November New Year's Resolutions

As always... why in the world would I wait until New Year's to make up a list of goals that are now unreachable due to lack of Holiday self-control?


My 2007 November New Year's Resolutions

1. Will stop drinking in bathtub (although it's soothing, it's still not right for a man, not gay nor straight.... and anyways, it's too habit-forming)
2. Will stop talking bad about Cantankerous Connie (silly bitch)
3. Will stop talking bad about Mr. Collins (silly bitch)
4. Will start using Greeting Card Organizer that my angry mother sent to me for Christmas last year due to lack of birthday card I never sent her a month earlier. This is a good resolution, due to high number of relatives and friends who find me officially rude!
5. Will being making lists of things to buy in stores, instead of developing odd fear of shopping due to hours spent wandering around trying to remember things to buy
6. Will use my personal organizer a lot more
7. Find husband.
8. Will organize the following: car, van, apartment, and classroom (fuck, fuck, fuck, and fuck)
9. Will become very organized all-round (goal is to get someone to become annoyed and/or actually refer to me as "anally organized," since I've never been called organized in my life)
10. I will give Shelley a present more often (as she is the queen of giving presents for no reason, and I cannot be out-done like that)
11. Will be healthier, maintaining normal weight and not yo-yo (gained five pounds since getting back from van trip this summer due to R. Nixon's high stress level)
12. Will begin to plan out next year- where to live? who to marry? children???? (god no)
13. Will send out thoughtful Christmas cards this year.
14. Will run a marathon for a good cause in 2007.



And to start out these November New Year's Resolutions, this is what I'm doing-

I'm currently in the 2nd day of my Life Detox Agenda -
-10 days of complete body detoxing- rids poisons, rids self also of at least 7 pounds of fat (to attract husband and reach maintainable weight, and to make running a marathon that much easier)
-organizing all my shit- classroom, van, car, apartment during the 10 days
-fake tanning (to attract husband afraid of albino teachers)
-teeth-whitening strips (to attract husband with high standards of oral hygiene)



As you can see, in 8 more days, I will be on my way to a very successful start to the New Year....

A Very Drunken Halloween Night

Anna Nicole and Howard K. Stern

1. Three hours of makeup for "Anna Nicole"
(aka Merry Mel)

2. A long, roundabout drive to a Port Prozac bar, sporting a very large costume contest.

3. Getting absolutely smashed while girls screamed "Anna! Anna Nicole" at Mel as I drank, drank, drank.

4. Dancing with Mel in order to try to win contest.

5. All is blurry after that- Mel tells stories of me freaking the urn on the dance floor, shouting for Wendy's on the way home, eating like a cow and making no sense whatsoever back at my apartment..... but I do not remember any of it.

I just know I woke up drunk in the morning with Wendy's wrappers on the kitchen floor.

Overall... a success.